Saturday, July 17, 2010

Rojak's Guide to Life Saving Tips

Situation: Sudden stomachache attack and you feel like your stool is gonna explode from your anus anytime. and you are driving. alone. traffic jam. and you've got no idea if the nearest toilet is anyway within 10km. You rather be stabbed a few times than having to endure this.

Here's how:
1. Identify your current location and figure out if you are gonna make it to your home for the comfort of your own toilet seat. Some of the minor details to consider (depending on your property type and location of your nest).

If you are staying in:

Apartment : Can you survive the stairs? (If you are staying in 4th or 5th storey of a walk up apartment)

Condo : How long do you normally take to park your car? (especially if your condo has like 4 storey car park basement)

Does it take long to take the lift? (especially you have to wait an average of 3 minutes for lift, you stay on the highest floor and there is 8 other people in the lift staying on different floor)

DSL/Semi-D: You are the lucky ones, you'll get in the fastest.

2. Choose the best route to home
If there is a longer route and a shorter route (but has more traffic lights) and you can't decide which one is the fastest, I would recommend the latter.
  • The longer route probably means that you'll be driving like a mad woman and dangerously fast.
  • Traffic light interval gives you time to compose and calm yourself.
  • Try to shift focus from the pain by thinking or doing something such as listening to your favourite songs. You might want to avoid songs like BOOM BOOM POW!! 
  • Pray (cause there is  really nothing else that you can do)
3. If going home is not an option, then just find the nearest petrol station nearby. Easy? Maybe, if your bowel doesn't feel like exploding the next second. Other than petrol station, there are many other options such as a medical center (easy to park and lots of toilet), eatery, elderly homes, etc etc. Be prepared for the worst to come in the event when you face with obstacles such as a locked/broken/washing-in-progress toilet. You cannot imagine the anguish when you think you have found a place to release and it didn't happen.

I don't know how to end this post. Just hope the guide is useful to you la.

P/S: I wonder if this happens to Lois Lane, will Superman come and rescue?


  1. Haha! Good one there! Yeah,,one more one more!
    Switch off the air conditioner cos for reason that I do not know, you are bound to have chills and goose bumps when your anus is refrained from doing its normal job! hahaha...

  2. I usually end up in petrol stations. hehe

  3. pretend you need to take a leak than to shit. this, you shifted the focus away from your anus. it's a mind game. make your brain thinks you needed to pee, not shit.

  4. SPL: yaya..very important to off aircond
    LLA: me too, me too!
    gene: woah...interesting thought. will try it next time.


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