Sunday, July 21, 2013

Going through my miscarriage

I was 2 months pregnant when I learnt about my first miscarriage. That was in September 2012, just last year. I have been waiting for more than 2 years for this pregnancy to happen. I still remember that day like replaying a video tape. I was supposed to meet my gynae, Dr. Eric Tham for a scheduled checkup in the morning. Like it was a joke on me, not only that Dr. Eric was not around but so were the 3 other gynaes in my neighborhood. ( I found out later that all of them were attending the same seminar. fml...)

So I thought that I should just wait for the next day. That same afternoon, I went crazy when I saw spots of blood on my underwear. I whatapp-ed my friend, Angel in panic. Luckily, she found a gynae on duty in Tropicana medical center and even made an appointment for me (wouldn't know what I will do without her, thanks Angel!). So me and hubby rushed to Tropicana.

As we were waiting anxiously for our turn, hubby reminded us that we have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. After what seems to be the longest wait in my life, we finally saw the gynae.

I could feel my heart wanting to pop out when the lady gynae was scanning my womb. I was looking at the ultrasound screen and praying that my baby would be fine. When she scanned it a few times with a wrinkled brow, I knew that my hope was smashed to smithereens.

The doctor confirmed that I had a miscarriage. She showed me that the embryo in my sac had stopped developing and it had even shriveled. Tears were starting to well up in eyes that I could hardly see anymore. In my anguish, the doctor started to explain the options and D&C, a term which was completely alien to me. It's a basically a surgical procedure to remove the life that was once in me.

As I came out from the doctor room, I was still crying and even harder when I see the big and round bellies of the expecting moms around me.

Somehow, I thought that no matter how hard I cry or how sad I am, it will never change this fact. With this realization, I decided to pull myself up from this grief.

That night, I went ahead with my planned karaoke session with Chia Li and Shirley and sung, or more like screamed my heart out. I felt a lot better and even enjoyed myself.

I think that I am the one in the million who can still have a karaoke session right after knowing a miscarriage. It is either I was plain crazy or just had exceptional tolerance of lost. Lol..

Come to think of it, it is not that I have lost a limb or a liver. Yes, I have lost a baby but if it's not meant to be, there is nothing that I could do except to choose whether to be positive or sad during this ordeal.

As my D&C was scheduled on the following week Tuesday, I didn't know how I live through that weekend. Can you imagine having a dead baby in you and trying to forget about it at the same time? Somehow, I went to a birthday celebration and keeping quiet as I didn't want to spoil the party. I won't say that I didn't feel miserable at all but I also didn't want to dwell on the sadness.

When one door of  happiness closes, another will open right? So with this mentality, I decided to reward myself to my dream trip to Europe, a dream that I have set since more than a decade ago. Hubby and I went to Europe for 2 weeks. We had the best time of our life and even celebrated 2013 new year countdown under the Eiffel Tower.

But even more meaningful than my long time dream was being selected as a famine advocate by World Vision. It was only about two months after my miscarriage when I applied for this role.
As a famine advocate, I was given the opportunity to visit one of the World Vision community development program in India. There, I've met a lot of people who have inspired me to advocate for the poors. More importantly, I've met children suffering from hunger and sickness and knowing that WE can help them LIVE by just sharing some of our blessings.

Having gone through a miscarriage,  I appreciate life and children even more now.
Perhaps this is why I feel so deeply about the less fortunate children. My heart melts when I see their smiles and cries when I see malnourished or sickly children.

It is so true when people say that if we have never suffered ourselves, we might not be able to identify and sympathize with the suffering of others.

Well, to all the ladies who are trying very hard to conceive, do not be defeated even when you meet with failure, like me. I sincerely hope that my sharing can help you to deal with your miscarriage in a positive way.
When life gives you lemon, make a lemon juice and don't forget to help the needy ones! Try again and good luck to us!

"Suffer what is there to suffer and enjoy what is there to enjoy." - Nichiren Daisonin.

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