Can you forgive me?

Can you forgive me? Forgive what you may say?

In movies/dramas, there will always be the emperor’s women asking the emperor, if I did something that is very wrong, would you forgive me? Of course, every single time, without fail,  the wife or mother will be forgiven, but at a price. The smarter ones will even get a forgiveness passport so that no one can sentence them to death or to prison.

If you were to look at the person next to you, your boss, your friend, your colleague and ask the same. What is the answer going to be?

"You siao ah? Don’t you dare, I will keel you!!!"

The only person who can possibly forgive you without plotting a revenge, has to be your parent or your other half. Right? (To my only mom & hubby, I lup you long long and deep deep for loving who I was, who I am now and and for forgiving all my madness)

Why is this so different? Why can your loved ones forgive you and other couldn’t? The answer is very simple. It’s because they are not YOUR MOTHER. Period.

Or are there anyone here who has a bff and you know that she would not leave you no matter how an arse hole that you have been?

I used to have a good friend. Good enough that we would share our exam answer sheets as he sits just behind me everytime, because we had the same alphabet in our surname. Now you know why we both have good & similar grades. If we are both awful at the same subject, then it will be you die, I die (too).

The things that we done together was so fun and unforgettable.

We have been to the scariest haunted house in KL,

We have skipped tuition classes and got robbed before

(Fun is an understatement)

We have waited 2 hours for a bus that never came, and he almost throws me in the big drain for suggesting that we took the bus.

We would blow water at the mamak stall till 2am with no specific topic. I can’t even remember what we have talked about but we would have mamak session once a week for a few years. He was like my big brother.

Man, I don't know about you, but I miss the 10 years when you are part in the picture. (It's not that we have a lot of 10 years in our life right?)

It was 4 years ago then when I did something really stupid that that broke our friendship of 10 years. We have never spoken since.

I couldn’t even invite him to my wedding though I would love to.

I couldn’t attend this father funeral even though I wanted to.  A part of me die inside.

Let’s us ask ourselves, are we so great and noble that cannot forgive others for their mistakes because we never did any ourselves?

Do they deserve your forgiveness if they have said sorry?

Would you like things to be what it used to be? Was our friendship so superficial that we cannot stand the test?

I am sorry for what I did. I was wrong.

But I do not have an answer or explanation to what I did that will lessen your anger. What is done is done and I couldn't reverse it.

I guess that I will just bring this regret to my coffin. But I hope that we can see each other eye to eye again soon. I would also like to thank you for being who you are. I've learnt hard and well and when life gives you lemon, you make a lemonade. When 1 good friend is lost, you make 10 more. We just have to learn how to say bye bye, like Mariah.

#veryemopost. #Iusedtohaveabrotherandfriend #byebye

Do you have similar experience like this? Please leave a comment if you feel the same.

The lyric version:-

Insomnia is the mother of all sufferings

Before I hit the sack, it's 5.26am, 23 Oct 2013. I haven't sleep a wink yet though I was trying very hard to.

How did I spent this whole night?

You could ask my mom, my husband and my cat. Oh, my cat is still awake with me. Thanks god. Just fed the cat his breakfast. Will try to sleep now.

Fuck Duck is my new buzz word. Geddit?

Being a veteran insomnia queen, here are so useful tips for you on how to spend long sleepless hours (if you have insomnia and just want to stay awake at night for whatever reason)

Top 10 Tips For Insomnia (How to spend your lonely, sleepless night)

1. Write a blog
2. Clean up your email
3. Deactivate your Facebook notifications if you have been receiving notifications from friends on Farmville, and other annoying games that you do not want to play.
4. Do some housekeeping
5. Mop the floor
6. Clean your dressing table
7. Think about your future
8. Plan your next holiday
9. Go through your calendar for important appointments and dates
10. Go read somebody's blog such as www.rojakgal.blogspot.com

Okay, that's all for now. Hope you have learnt something.

Good night or Good morning. (Don't pull your hairs if you are reading this, :P Well, it's time for me to go for my morning jog. Stay calm and healthy!)

Going through my miscarriage

I was 2 months pregnant when I learnt about my first miscarriage. That was in September 2012, just last year. I have been waiting for more than 2 years for this pregnancy to happen. I still remember that day like replaying a video tape. I was supposed to meet my gynae, Dr. Eric Tham for a scheduled checkup in the morning. Like it was a joke on me, not only that Dr. Eric was not around but so were the 3 other gynaes in my neighborhood. ( I found out later that all of them were attending the same seminar. fml...)

So I thought that I should just wait for the next day. That same afternoon, I went crazy when I saw spots of blood on my underwear. I whatapp-ed my friend, Angel in panic. Luckily, she found a gynae on duty in Tropicana medical center and even made an appointment for me (wouldn't know what I will do without her, thanks Angel!). So me and hubby rushed to Tropicana.

As we were waiting anxiously for our turn, hubby reminded us that we have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. After what seems to be the longest wait in my life, we finally saw the gynae.

I could feel my heart wanting to pop out when the lady gynae was scanning my womb. I was looking at the ultrasound screen and praying that my baby would be fine. When she scanned it a few times with a wrinkled brow, I knew that my hope was smashed to smithereens.

The doctor confirmed that I had a miscarriage. She showed me that the embryo in my sac had stopped developing and it had even shriveled. Tears were starting to well up in eyes that I could hardly see anymore. In my anguish, the doctor started to explain the options and D&C, a term which was completely alien to me. It's a basically a surgical procedure to remove the life that was once in me.

As I came out from the doctor room, I was still crying and even harder when I see the big and round bellies of the expecting moms around me.

Somehow, I thought that no matter how hard I cry or how sad I am, it will never change this fact. With this realization, I decided to pull myself up from this grief.

That night, I went ahead with my planned karaoke session with Chia Li and Shirley and sung, or more like screamed my heart out. I felt a lot better and even enjoyed myself.

I think that I am the one in the million who can still have a karaoke session right after knowing a miscarriage. It is either I was plain crazy or just had exceptional tolerance of lost. Lol..

Come to think of it, it is not that I have lost a limb or a liver. Yes, I have lost a baby but if it's not meant to be, there is nothing that I could do except to choose whether to be positive or sad during this ordeal.

As my D&C was scheduled on the following week Tuesday, I didn't know how I live through that weekend. Can you imagine having a dead baby in you and trying to forget about it at the same time? Somehow, I went to a birthday celebration and keeping quiet as I didn't want to spoil the party. I won't say that I didn't feel miserable at all but I also didn't want to dwell on the sadness.

When one door of  happiness closes, another will open right? So with this mentality, I decided to reward myself to my dream trip to Europe, a dream that I have set since more than a decade ago. Hubby and I went to Europe for 2 weeks. We had the best time of our life and even celebrated 2013 new year countdown under the Eiffel Tower.

But even more meaningful than my long time dream was being selected as a famine advocate by World Vision. It was only about two months after my miscarriage when I applied for this role.
As a famine advocate, I was given the opportunity to visit one of the World Vision community development program in India. There, I've met a lot of people who have inspired me to advocate for the poors. More importantly, I've met children suffering from hunger and sickness and knowing that WE can help them LIVE by just sharing some of our blessings.

Having gone through a miscarriage,  I appreciate life and children even more now.
Perhaps this is why I feel so deeply about the less fortunate children. My heart melts when I see their smiles and cries when I see malnourished or sickly children.

It is so true when people say that if we have never suffered ourselves, we might not be able to identify and sympathize with the suffering of others.

Well, to all the ladies who are trying very hard to conceive, do not be defeated even when you meet with failure, like me. I sincerely hope that my sharing can help you to deal with your miscarriage in a positive way.
When life gives you lemon, make a lemon juice and don't forget to help the needy ones! Try again and good luck to us!

"Suffer what is there to suffer and enjoy what is there to enjoy." - Nichiren Daisonin.